When your court case starts going...

A lot of people would fill in that blank with 'panic' or 'freak out'. I get it. I'm going through this right now. We are pressing charges, and the thought of this finally starting up is both frightening and positive. Nothing is ever really going to be the same again. I found something on my desk that represents what I'm talking about, and I see it as a sign to prepare me for my eventual future. The WORLD... it's TILTED and TWISTED forever. It truly is twisted; there are horrible, disgusting people out there. And it is tilted, things have changed, the wheels have turned, people who you thought were unquestionably supportive and loving turn out to be destructive to you and hurtful. But you have to pull through, because the world is tilted, but that means it's tilted towards the sun, towards warmth and positivity.

Ups and Downs: Unfamiliar Emotions

When dealing with talking about your experience, or thinking about it, or even when a memory or issue surfaces on it's own, you're going to have some ups and downs. My therapist told me that the road to recovery was not a straight line-it's like a wave, with low points and high points. She definitely was right. You will have moments that seem unbearable, especially if you're a teenager like me, with all these hormones flying around. If you've ever heard of the stages of acceptance, (or grief, whatever) it's somewhat like that. You have anger, fear, sadness, denial, and acceptance, and these don't necessarily have any order. They don't have set times, and you can have a stage way more than once. If you're sad, don't necessarily assume it's depression, like I did. You have to be sad constantly, rather than small patches of it (hey, not a doctor, this is from my personal experiences). If you are, talk to your therapist about it. Try to get your sadness out-express yourself. If you're not the artsy type, write about it, or talk to someone, or just distract yourself. If you're angry, please try to resist the urge to punch people. It's difficult, I know, I've wanted to punch many people out of rage that wasn't supposed to be directed at them. In denial, you have to strive to let out your emotions, even if they don't sound appealing. You'll feel better, most likely. Try to break that wall in your mind. I know it's easier said than done to not get overwhelmed, but treat yourself nicely if you break that wall. Do something fun, or plan something to look forward to. You'll appreciate it.

Panic/Fear

Sure, there's probably a moment that dealing with your case, the person who abused you, or their family is just pure panic. Believe me-I've been through times where I was afraid for my life. You may be afraid of the person coming to your house, or that you don't have enough evidence that you have to testify, or their family is supporting him, and it hurts. Something that really helps is making a plan for this scenario-whether it's having a day just to chill, or where to go if he comes to your house, or how to say those painful memories. It's not very likely that he will come to your house, because disgusting maggots like those want self preservation, and that would be immediate incrimination. But for your own peace of mind, there are plans you will need to make. Keep a backpack nearby of essentials- a couple dollars, some clothes, a phone, etc. and make sure you have somewhere to go, like your friend's house.

Dealing with Guilt

Hi, guys! Today I want to talk about guilt. Everyone gets guilt from sexual abuse. You think that 'Well, I could have stopped it' or 'I could have done something'. No one should be blamed or feel guilty about this. The point is, you are doing something now. Most likely, you couldn't have stopped it, and if you could, it's not your responsibility as the victim. Nearly everyone responds as freezing in their tracks, or having a feeling of floating away.

If a friend, family member, or anyone attempts to victim-blame or make you feel guilty, no matter who they are, they are wrong. My whole father's side of the family sided with him instead of me, and tried to make me feel guilty about publicizing my story and trying to help people. If they don't want me and others to get better, they are not worth being around. Trust me. They will try to poison your mind and hurt you. Try to find supportive, loving people, and if they are already there, embrace them. There's nothing wrong with accepting help and love and getting a hug when you need it.

Hello!

Hi, everyone. I'm 13 years old. I want to tell you all that sexual abuse can happen to anyone. Sometimes you feel worthless, insecure, stressed, scared, angry, and fearful all at the same time. This is a place not only to share my story, but for women everywhere to be able to connect with someone. I see all of my family, friends, even strangers, and look at all these strong, beautiful women, and I wonder why men choose-and yes they choose- to harm us. We are powerful. It's time to end ignorance of abuse. It's time to end blame for abuse. Everyone that goes through this can get better. It's been almost a year since I told my mom that I was molested by my own father. That I was scared to visit him again. I'm not saying it's easy-far from it. I know it's difficult going through both the experience and the prosecution-but we, as a gender, need to speak up and be heard. This is sort of a continuation of my RAINNmaker page, but in a format that can be updated easier and more can be said. Thank you to all the support I've gotten!

My RAINNmaker page: http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/itookmypowerback

It's for donating to other survivors of sexual abuse and keeps hotlines open.